The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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