omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
