Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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