OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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