Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
