Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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