I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
