in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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