I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
