I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
