Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
