did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
time to smoke my breakfast
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Randomize
