Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
We talked him into tasing himself.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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