I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
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