In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
