The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
