dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
