I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
