And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
