Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
