i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
