if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
