I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
