I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
