It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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