new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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