I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Drake has all the answers
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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