New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
