In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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