I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
