Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Barsexuality is the new black.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Randomize
