Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
