I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
