look no pants
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Randomize
