My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
