i just google imaged poop.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
