I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
