Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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