Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
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