dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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