Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
