listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
