The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Ha. No worries! So loud here &god I love drag queens! How does it happen, the congealing?
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
