i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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