Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
