I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
