We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
