All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
