just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
