So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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