All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
